Wedding and it's whole chaos

 Hindu marriage harmonizes two individuals for ultimate eternity so that they can pursue dharma(Truth), arth (meaning), and kama (worldly desires). It is a union of two individuals as spouses and is recognized by liveable continuity. In Hinduism, marriage is not followed by traditional rituals for consummation Marriage. Marriage is considered complete or valid even without consummation because the marriage is between two souls and it is beyond the body. It also joins two families together. Favourable colours are normally red and gold for this occasion.

So, we can say marriage is between two souls irrespective of any gender, caste, religion, class, appearance. There is a big taboo of same-sex marriage if marriage itself says togetherness of two souls than why people are changing its definition. Do you think that marriage is happening or happened the same way??  Absolutely not and we all deep inside knew that. The things only changed are budget (budget is also related to inflation , as the value of 100 Rs in 2010 are equivalent to 195.32 rupees in 2020, and in the same way whose marriage budget was 5 lakh in 2010 are now equivalent to  9.76 lakh and so on ), the pattern of showing status, social media trend and also the level of competition. Maybe I may sound harsh to many of you but it's the reality of our marriage system which we called it as a 'PAVITRA BANDHAN'.

The purity of marriage had vanished somewhere or seriously I am wondering it had ever existed or not. We are only left with an auction, the competition of making oneself superior and others inferior. If we want to know someone status we could notice it by attending the Marriage. It is now related to coronation ceremony of  an elite status and pleasing others and given more importance to the relation between two families rather than souls (Dil mile ya na mile do parivaar milne chiye kyuki dil to baccha hai ji aaj kisi or par hai to kal kisi or par ho jayega).

There is a role of jathakam or Janam Kundali also to match the couple with the help of a priest. Jataka or kundali is drawn based on the placement of the stars and planets at the time of birth. The maximum points for any match can be 36 and the minimum points for matching are 18. Any match with points under 18 is not considered as an auspicious match for a harmonious relationship but still, it depends liberally on people they can still marry and I seriously don't believe much in Kundali things because I have seen many couples with all points matched and still they are not a happy couple (btw a happy couple is a math, once you have understood the formulas you can easily solve the problem).

Then and Now Marriages:- 

Weddings these days have drones shooting images from the sky, a celebrity guest, a buffet that serves every kind of cuisine you can imagine and wedding invites that are full-blown trailers, with snippets promising what a blast the ‘film’ will be. “Weddings in India are no longer just a personal affair. In the past, they were completed within a maximum of 2 days, with close friends and family, but now, weddings are more akin to a social media campaign, complete with innovative hashtags. Furthermore, lavish celebrity weddings, like #Deepveer and #Virushka, are a big influence on the way ordinary people plan and organise their receptions. They set a benchmark for young couples, and these events often last anywhere between one week and ten days. Few new-age technologies like 3D-printed decorations, custom Snapchat filters, wedding apps, 3D projection mapping for the dance floor decor and drones are now being noticed. 

But the reality is that though the VHS camera has been replaced with drones, one can take pride in the fact that no matter how high-tech desi weddings get, there will always be a drunk relative doing the naagin dance somewhere on the dance floor.

“In recent times, couples (and their families)  admired of a celebrity wedding, how such a celebrity wore this and I shall wear the same. Not just outfits, but the desire to recreate goes on to almost every level – right from the food would be served to the decor that was done.

The point to be kept in mind, however, is that one should stay within their means and find more comfortable options, as opposed to something that might hurt them later. Priyanka and Nick Jonas, for instance, reportedly got paid $2.5 million by People magazine for exclusive rights to the wedding. They tied up with brands including Tiffany, Ralph Lauren, Lime Bikes and JBL, among others. These kinds of monetary avenues are things that a normal wedding will never see, so you should be wary of how you allocate your buck wisely. I have seen many middle-class families and also couples who have taken loans to fulfil their dream wedding and after years of wedding they are still in debt, for me, it's a foolish decision one can ever take just for the sake of so-called few days show off to guest ( we all know mostly guest are attending a wedding just for food and their attendance, even I also attend few people wedding who are not close to me just for food, now don't assume me free ka khaana khaane wali ladki😅) and also for temporary pleasure ( itna kuch karne or loan lene ke baad bhi apki shaadi successful ni ya fir divorce ho jata hai to sach me aap ki zindagi ke lag gaye😅). I seriously feel bad especially for those girls whose family save money for their marriage instead of spending in education. 

According to a report in The Economic Times, the Indian film industry grossed around Rs 13,800 crore, and a report by BnBNation estimates that this figure could hit Rs 26,000 crore by 2020. The Indian wedding industry, in comparison, is estimated to be worth over Rs 3,00,000 crore (a KPMG report from 2017 puts it at $40-50 billion) and is growing exponentially at a rate of 25 per cent to 30 per cent every year. While figures vary, an average Indian wedding can cost anywhere between Rs 5 lakh to over a crore.

Much has been written about the big, fat Indian wedding. While they vary regionally and as per the specific religious customs of the bride and groom, a typical desi wedding can last for around 10 days. According to a 2012 report in CBS News, India celebrates about 10 million weddings a year, and one can be sure that that number has gone up exponentially in the past seven years. However, while the underlying customs and rituals remain the same, the weddings being held in recent times are a far cry from the ones that were held before the advent of social media. In this age of hashtags and Instagram, the already big and fat Indian wedding has evolved into one that thrives on excess – and that’s saying something. 

The numbers support that. According to The Big Fat Indian Wedding Market Survey 2018, carried out by the match-making portal Matrimony.com, 20.6 per cent of the women surveyed stated that they would be okay with spending Rs 10 lakh to Rs 20 lakh, with those north of the country showing a propensity to spend more (18.6 per cent over 12 per cent in the south, 11.1 per cent in the west and 10.9 per cent in the east).

The Kitsch isn't the only thing that sets the wedding industry in India apart from every other industry- according to insiders, it is also considered to be "recession-proof". 

Arrange and Love Marriage:-

A 2013 IPSOS survey found that 74% of young Indians (18-35 years old) prefer an arranged marriage over a free-choice one. Other sources report that as many as 90 percent of all Indian marriages are arranged.

Mostly Indian families believes that arrange marriage are more successful than love marriage but i feel it's a big myth, it totally depends upon the couple to couple. According to me whether it is love marriage or arranged marriage, mutual understanding, cooperation and goodwill are essential to foster the goals of marriage. Marriage demands the active participation of both the partners in striving for harmony and success in family life. If this is ensured, any of these two kinds of marriages can succeed. People believe arrange marriage have low divorce rate as compared to love marriage but we all know that arrange marriage involves more family involvement and mostly every Indian girl are told to compromise in married life (pati kaisa bhi ho pati to parmeshwar hota hai or aap agar ye soch rhe hai ki hmare yhan aisa ni hota to jaag jaiye aap brahma me jee rahe hai). Indian family also believes that marriage happens only once especially for girls. I don't know when people will understand marriage is just a choice or a part of life but not a whole life. Earlier girls are more dependent on their husband that is also the reason why they used to compromise a lot but now girls are becoming self-dependent, they are understanding their priority in life but still the situation is not same for every girl. I am not saying men don't have to compromise, , the life after marriage will never be same for both but we are living in a patriarchal society where women always have to compromise more ( ek din ladki 15 min late kya uth jaye fir dekhna ghar tv serial se kam ni hoga😅 and also I am not talking about those case where women put false allegation against a men and making his life hell).

Now don't assume me as a homebreaker, I am not here to spread negativity regarding marriage, I just wants to say a perfect or successful marriage is where both couples adjust themselves to suit each other. Here ‘The art of appreciation’ plays an important role. Husband may think his wife is not perfect. But he can appreciate her brighter side ignoring any wrong side. This applies to the wife too. The husband may not be her ‘dream prince’ in case of an arranged marriage or ‘the man she loved before marriage’ in love marriage, but then she can find the brighter side of her husband to openly appreciate and ignore any wrong side lately discovered or known.

When you say that somebody is unfit to you, then you concede that you too are unfit to that person. For example, if a cap is unfit for the bottle, then the bottle too is unfit for the cap. The day you realise this you won’t find anybody unfit to you.

In many orthodox circles, love marriage is not approved even today. A lot of people see marriage as the status symbol and a way to ascertain the family respect. Hence in most cases, the marriage partners might have to go against the wishes and interests of the family. I also came from that family where love marriage is not that common especially for girls. My father is still fine with a male member opting love marriage but this not go well with female members for them conditions applied either she should love a guy who's from same caste and rich background because by doing so it will not look like love😅 or either having prestigious job like ias or pcs so he can save his reputation and I think it happens in moslty Indian family. Now don't assume that I don't love my family or viceversa but i am not sugar coated person , I can't please my readers by only writing few sweat things and obviously we all deep inside knew that, all I wants to say that at the end happiness of the couple matters  and last decision to whom they want to get married must be of the bride/ groom bcoz all other things are secondary the main thing is the compatibility and understanding which are  the sole reasons to make a marriage successful one also the decision to get married must not be self centered it must have a slice of advise of elder ones but still the last call must be of couple using their extreme sense of wisdom.

Expectation from bride:-

1) The most important thing Indian family see in bride is fair color, she will be considered as beautiful only when her color is fair even if the boy doesn't look good. She should be thin with good or atleast average height.

2) She should have clean background and in some cases people prefer girl having background of only female friends even if boy will not be loyal to her after marriage also kyuki ladka hai dil to fisal hi jata hai.

3) She should be younger, should able to cook and should know how to manage a family and along with this she should be well  educated though her degree matters nothing to them it's just a piece of paper, at the end they all have to take care of their children and home, that's why girls prefer guys who go for job rather than independent business owner.

4) How many siblings she has and most importantly other sibling should be brother who else will take care of her parents when they become old.

5) Most important is dowry directly or indirectly. Indirectly, a few families call it gift or just drop a word that the girls family should do everything to keep her and her future husband happy and secure. In addition to this the marriage should be held in a grand manner with expensive venues, menus, other arrangements etc, rather a showoff of their wealth and property and also dowry is decided as per girls fairness scale if she is in top of fairness scale than the dowry and other demands will be less because her fairness decides beauty and that's what matters to most family and boys . We can see this fair girl with poor background are getting married to rich guy, I always believe rich guy should marry poor girl but not on the basis of fair color, it's not less than an auction.

Expectation from groom:-

1) The age difference should not be more than 5 years(in many cases).                    

2) How much he earns(min 10 LPA), his looks and physique(most important), stability and scope of growth in his salary(government job preferred as it’s secure). A few girls shortlist only if his salary is more than three or four times of hers.

3) How much property he has on his name like agricultural lands and plots in native place and metropolitan city(It’s an irony that a guy is expected to have a four wheeler, a house on his name which is difficult for most of them in their late twenties or very early thirties).

4) He should have siblings(preferably male and if he has sister, she should be married and living her own life) and his parents should not stay with him. If he has more than one sister, then it’ll be difficult for the guy to get a good match.

5) He should never ask about her salary and expenses at all. He should be ready to help the girl in all her household chores, should not expect her to do any difficult household works.

6) Should be able to afford a luxurious life style for the girl and should take her to trips abroad, give her expensive gifts besides taking care of household expenditure).

Few Things I wish to ban in Weddings:-

1) Using Human Beings as Show Pieces

A lot of people now hire young Caucasian women, employed by event companies, to act as tables, bars, and as showpieces at the entrance. Don’t be surprised if you find a young girl with a round table attached to her. This is supposed to be either a mobile snacks station or bar. You’ll also see these aspiring models welcoming guests or acting as valets. We all know why they’re there. The Indian obsession with fair skin isn’t going away anytime soon, and the presence of Caucasian women is supposed to take your party to the highest level.

I am also against the dance which is performed by hired women in Indian wedding (it's a wedding, not a Bollywood masala movie which has a compulsion of having an item song). I have seen these things in my family wedding but I could not do anything against this ( paisa mera ni lag rha to koi meri sunega bhi ni kya krun mai berojgaar engineer hun😅).

2) Huge Wedding Cards

 

Wedding invitations have become bigger and grander than ever before. Who can forget the elaborate, morbidly expensive wedding invitation from the Ambani-Piramal wedding? What is a wedding invite though? It’s a way to inform someone about the date, day, place and time of your wedding. After the wedding, that invite has no use. It doesn’t need to be huge and ridiculously expensive.( Ab itna advance or social media follow krte hi ho to E-card bhi follow kr lo after all aap sbki fashion icon sonam Kapoor ne bhi kiya at least it's cheap and also eco friendly😅)

3) Wasting of Food

No one needs 10 different dals and 20 kinds of rotis to have a good time. And your wedding isn’t going to be any less of success without 100 appetisers. No one needs to eat that much. We need to stop displaying wealth with food and wasting most of it. There are much better ways to spend that money.

4) Brand new cars for the groom who wanted no dowry

Dowry has been illegal in India for a long, long time. However, many families still buy “gifts” for the groom and his family. These gifts can range from clothes to cars. Even in 2020, it’s not unusual to see a brand new car parked outside the wedding venue. This is passed off as a gift for the bride. Unfortunately, no matter how woke people claim to be, this is and will remain the norm at the big, fat Indian wedding.

CONCLUSION:-

I am going to share  my few experience regarding marriage as I am at the age of marriage according to this society and like any other family , my family are also searching a match for me. I am and was always a good daughter for my parents except for my short tempered and straight forward nature. I studied well in my school  days but not that much in college ( story of mostly students in private college), after my college  i also opted for upsc as my father is fond of upsc ( not fot ias but ies bcz i like engineering subjects more than history and other stuffs), I studied well and I give my 100% because I don't want to regret further ki thoda or padh lete ya aisa padh lete wo baat alag hai ukhaad fir bhi ni paaye😅. I am the only member of my family who gets privilege of sleeping late and waking late and also got other privilege unlike my others siblings. You can see my parents love me a lot especially my mom she love us unconditionally but i don't want to be like her though i admire her and love her more than anything in this world. At some point I feel many decision of my life are not taken by myself and i am not blaming anybody for this because I have not faught for my decisions infact at present time also I don't know what I want to be all I am sure about is opening Ngo (which no one knew in my family). I consider myself an average girl with everything average who dreams of average job, average income  ( i never put anyone else below average), I know people should dream big for successful life but it's me and I can't fake it. Still I want my marriage decision should be taken according to my priority and my happiness because it's my life decision which i have to live with and i also don't want to look sad in my wedding pictures as I loved to get clicked😅, and it's not like that I am selfish because at the end all matters is inner  happiness. I am not fair so I have to face rejection also and I am used to it from my childhood I have faces color racism so  I hardly give a shit to it and infact I am  and would be happy to be rejected by people having such mentality because I literraly can't tolerate them and also I will get few more years of my Independence😅.

I am not a skeptic, believe me I am as thrilled at weddings as everyone else, which is why the idea of making a wedding a battleground hurts me even more. Don't worry about the fact that it's your parent's dream. It's your life. Just like you have the freedom to choose your life partner, you should have the freedom to choose how you want to tie the knot. Our parents bother too much about “Log kya kahenge.” You need to explain to them that it's okay if the whole world is not pleased. We are earning good money. And we are spending it where we feel like. The intention behind writing this is to not shame the big fat Indian wedding or to make anyone celebrating their big day feel guilty. To each his own. If you have the resources and the will, it's great. But if you don't, and yet you are going ahead with it succumbing to social pressure, then there's a red flag right there. It's the same as getting married early just because everyone else around you is. Do things the way you like them, not the way society likes them. 

 You want to get married on a hill, do that. You want to get married in a court and save all the money for a world tour for your honeymoon, do that, you want to have a big fat Indian wedding with all the beautiful little ceremonies of haldi, sangeet and roka, do that. It's fine till the time you want to do it. Wed the way you like. 

If you are spending money anyway, how wonderful would it be to spend on something noble or something that gives you happiness. Not telling anyone how to celebrate or preaching them about social responsibility. At the end of the day, it's your occasion and you should be able to celebrate it how you like. Let's change the way we celebrate our special moments and give importance to the self over the society. Let's change the way we start a new life. Let's make this world a little better. The irony is that after writing so much I am not able to change my family mindset because I told u I am berojgaar Engineer😅.

REFERENCE -  Times of India